I like to call this lovely photo "One of THOSE days!"
That title is the understatement of the century! There were so many things I DID expected that I was falsely secure. I actually thought I knew what was in store when I began having children:)
I was pretty realistic about the negative changes that would come. I was prepared for a long list of things. I anticipated the sleepless nights and endless diaper changes. I expected that my relationship with my husband would go through changes, and that we would have less quality time together. I knew there would be less money and more toys. I counted on a messy house with lots of chaos, piles of laundry, and showers that were few and far between.
While all of these things have come to pass at one time or another there were some things I was very unprepared for. The first was how mentally taxing being a parent would be. There is nothing like being the sole custodian of another human being 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to drain the mind and soul. In my experience the challenges of parenting and the feeling that you'll never catch a break combine nicely with the lack of adult interaction to create a unique form of mental angst.
The second thing I was unprepared for was losing my "alone time". I was an only child until I was 11 years old. Thanks to this I am overly capable of entertaining myself for extended periods of time. Now that I'm an adult this "aloneness" has become a form of self-preservation. It took having a baby (make that two babies) to realize what a big part of me my "alone time" is. It quickly became clear that I MUST have this time (that and sleep) in order to act like a decent human being!
When I had my first baby I still had plenty of time to myself. No big adjustment there. Then came baby number two. I started to feel a little crazed at times. On a side note - this might also have something to do with the fact that they are only 15 months apart. By the time baby number three came along I began to realize that the lack of personal time had taken it's toll. I began to find it neccesary, but ever so difficult to get that elusive time to myself. I think I even blogged about it
here about two years ago. Now that I am on baby number four I have begun to surrender to the urge to "self-preserve". I fit it in however I can throughout the day. I just do it!
I have some tricks for doing this. First, a little background that goes above and beyond the kid problem. I have a complex that causes me to feel guilty doing anything fun or relaxing while my house is messy. Now for the trick... don't laugh when I tell you... ready.... I set my timer and clean for a set amount of time, followed by a set period of doing what I want. This usually means computer time. Let's use today as an example. I dropped #1 off at school and when I came home I set the timer for 30 minutes and cleaned. Then I came into my room and spent some time downloading pictures and working on some projects while I nursed #4. Next, I set the timer again for 30 minutes of cleaning. Then I came back to the computer to write this blog while #2 and #3 watched a DVD. Now #4 is napping, I feel refreshed after a little self-expression, and as soon as I publish this post I will go back for round three of cleaning. You get the idea.
The trick to this trick is full acceptance of the fact that bad things may happen during the "alone time" sections of the day. For example while #2 and #3 were watching a DVD and I was blogging, #2 filled up a container with water and dumped it all over the floor and his brother. But that's OK. It was worth it. I have developed a seventh sense (in addition to the sixth and well known "mother" sense). This lesser known seventh sense allows me to hear activities in the next room and quickly assess whether my alone time is worth the mess, or if I should cut myself short and take immediate action. After much experience and fine tuning this sense almost always serves me well. I will give another example from today. While I was working on this post I heard the afore mentioned water spill and ignored it. On the other hand I heard #2 open the pantry and opted to leave my writing to intervene. It's all about your preferred mess. A little spilled water can wait. A pantry being raided can't. Choose your battles as they say!
My second trick is to take my meals alone. We eat dinner together as a family. However, for the other two meals I prefer to dine by myself. Lunch is especially sacred to me. I feed the kids, then put #3 (and hopefully #4) down for a nap. After they are down, and the others are fed and distracted, I make my lunch and I eat it in private. This way I get to eat at least one meal without people asking questions, begging for a bite, or climbing all over me. (Also known as eating in PEACE.) That's it. Even though it's usually only 10-15 minutes it's a great way to recharge during the day.
I just discovered this third trick. I'm sure some of you already take advantage of this. I must be a little slow because I just figured it out after I having #4. The trick= Husband does the grocery shopping. Nothing gets me more worked up than grocery shopping with all my kids. It's Horrible with a capitol 'H'! Plus, I usually do my shopping in the morning and it sets a bad tone for the rest of the day. Some may ask, why not just wait until husband is home and then go by yourself? The answer is simple... all the grocery shopping with kids I've done has ruined it for me. I dread doing it, even when I'm alone. Another reason is that by the time he's home I am usually to tired and lazy to go. On the weeks he work nights and I could go earlier I don't want to because I am hanging out with him. So my new discovery is to wait until he has a day off and then send him. Keep in mind that a detailed list is a must. A review of the list with me before he leaves is also required. You can never be too sure:) On extra special days I can even get him to take a kid along. This is nice but completely uneccessary. Like I said before, choose your battles. So far he hasn't seemed to mind this new chore. I like to think it's because he recognizes the value of me being less irritable. I almost forgot some of the other bonuses of this system. First, if you're like me, no more guilt for spending so much money on groceries. He doesn't mind spending money on food at all:) Second, He almost always brings home treats and things that I would never buy. Everyone wins here. Grocery Shopping - It's my new favorite thing to do.. or not do.
Fourth, don't beat yourself up. This may seem like common sense, but let's be honest. We all do it! I used to spend a lot of time being hard on myself for my imperfections. I'm not perfect. No one is. Surrendering to the guilt is not the answer. Spending time beating myself up just ruins my attitude. I mess up all the time. In spite of the fact that I spend all day cleaning my house is rarely clean to my satisfaction. In spite of the fact that I'd like to cook delicious healthy meals every night I don't. In spite of the fact that I love my kids I sometimes yell at them when I get mad. In spite of the fact that I dream of having a perfect family with a life that's all rosy sunshine and good times it isn't going to happen. All I can do is let go of that and do the best I can do that day at that time. I like to remind myself that I have a loving and forgiving family. My dad always told me to have the courage to admit my mistakes. Once again his advice is great! The minute that admit I messed up and resolve to do better I feel good again. Feeling upset at myself so easily turns into anger and resentment aimed at those around me. It is nearly impossible to be a happy and productive person under these conditions. My most important trick is to make a conscious effort to let go. If I let my frustration get the better of me I apologize and try to do better next time. It really works. Admitting my mistakes, even if it's to a five year old, is healing for both parties. When it comes to my husband and kids I'm all about moving forward. Who cares what happened yesterday today is today. Better yet, and more practical for me - who cares what happened a minute ago, this is a new minute:)
I may complain about the craziness of this life I lead, but the truth is that I thrive on a little bit of chaos. Those little babies of mine keep me on my toes and I love it. Even though I've been focusing on the negative aspects of family life there are many and more good times. I'm making it a point to enjoy!
