Remember how I said that everything about the holidays was GREAT?

Well, there have been a few bad effects...

#1 - Everyone in my family is now hopelessly addicted to playing Super Mario Brothers:)





















#2 My four and five year old now have a dangerous (but oh so fun) hobby!













#3 - I have hardly seen my LOVE because he's busy reading the presents I got him.











On second though...I guess if that's all I have to complain about I am doing pretty great after all!

Thumbelina

I love this little baby so much. As soon as she was born I started to feel sad that she was getting older. I wanted so badly to keep her a newborn forever. When she was three weeks old I was crying over how fast she was growing... literally crying! Maybe it's because after having my fourth child I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I can't keep having babies forever. I'm not done yet, but the day will come when I need to be. The day will come when I will know with finality that I will never hold my own brand new baby again. At times that thought has overwhelmed me. It has brought me many tears and much sorrow. In those first few weeks I felt like no matter how much time I spent holding her and taking her in I couldn't get enough. It just wasn't enough.

I promised myself then that I wouldn't take her baby-ness for granted. This might sound strange but I was so upset by the thought of her not being a newborn anymore that I began to pray about it. I prayed that I would feel joy instead of sadness at her milestones. I prayed that I could really truly enjoy every perfect inch of her and every little event in her new life. I prayed that I wouldn't feel anxiety and sadness over her growing up (her and all my kids). I prayed that I would remember to pay attention as she grew so that I wouldn't miss anything. I realized today that it worked. She is 6 months old this week and I am finding joy instead of sadness in that. I expected to feel down about it. But I don't, and I am so thankful that my prayers were answered.

Holiday Hangover

Has anyone out there ever felt like this poor little guy after the holidays?


I'll admit that there have been a lot of years where I did.

I am proud to announce that this year isn't one of them! This year Christmas was great. It was one of my favorite Christmases in a LONG time too. That cheer and joy and sense of peace that permeated my holidays is still with me now. Clean up is complete. School has started once again. The daily grind is back in full swing and I feel Awesome with a - yes - you guessed it - capitol 'A'!

To top it all off with a pleasant surprise, I realized that the "day after Christmas let down" is drastically less traumatic when your a grown up. In fact, I hardly felt it at all! This year my holiday hangover was a happy one!

Happy 2010!

The new year is always a little bit bittersweet.

The sweet part is reflecting on the milestones and growth of my little family over the past year. The holidays were great and now it's time to settle back into life with a fresh outlook and renewed motivation.

The bitter part is knowing that another year in our lives is gone and that same little family is growing up way too fast for me. My babies get bigger everyday and the dawning of a new year is just another reminder of that.

It reminds me to stop and take in the sweet things in life more often. This next year will be more about enjoying each other and less about the daily grind. At least that's my main goal!

Now to go achieve it. The kids are having fun without me. I better go partake:)

Merry Christmas!

One year older... but am I wiser?

Here is a picture of me on my birthday (10-7).

Do I look older to you?

I do to me.

People always tell me "You're only as old as you feel." Well that's not working out for me because most days I feel older than I am!

26 going on 47 anyone?

I'm over halfway done with my 20's!

Time flies when you're having babies.

It seems like just yesterday I was 18.

Nick bought me a snowboard when I turned 18.

That was 8 years ago.

The good news is I AM wiser.

Aging, but wising too:)

Wolverine

Q: "Do you ever shut up?"
A: "No, not when I'm awake."

I am totally stealing that line:)

AAAHHHHHH!

I am so annoyed! Usually when I feel like this I can just vent and be over it, but venting isn't working so far. It's time to get over it or do something about it, but I'm having a hard time. I HATE feeling like this. It is a serious waste of energy at a time when I have none to spare. I have a lot of lofty ideas about "moving on" and "coming to terms" with stuff that bugs me. Today I have a serious case of failure to follow my own advice!

I think that maybe I was unprepared for parenthood and family life or, my secrets to staying sane in an insane household - Part 1

I like to call this lovely photo "One of THOSE days!"


That title is the understatement of the century! There were so many things I DID expected that I was falsely secure. I actually thought I knew what was in store when I began having children:)

I was pretty realistic about the negative changes that would come. I was prepared for a long list of things. I anticipated the sleepless nights and endless diaper changes. I expected that my relationship with my husband would go through changes, and that we would have less quality time together. I knew there would be less money and more toys. I counted on a messy house with lots of chaos, piles of laundry, and showers that were few and far between.

While all of these things have come to pass at one time or another there were some things I was very unprepared for. The first was how mentally taxing being a parent would be. There is nothing like being the sole custodian of another human being 24 hours a day, 7 days a week to drain the mind and soul. In my experience the challenges of parenting and the feeling that you'll never catch a break combine nicely with the lack of adult interaction to create a unique form of mental angst.

The second thing I was unprepared for was losing my "alone time". I was an only child until I was 11 years old. Thanks to this I am overly capable of entertaining myself for extended periods of time. Now that I'm an adult this "aloneness" has become a form of self-preservation. It took having a baby (make that two babies) to realize what a big part of me my "alone time" is. It quickly became clear that I MUST have this time (that and sleep) in order to act like a decent human being!

When I had my first baby I still had plenty of time to myself. No big adjustment there. Then came baby number two. I started to feel a little crazed at times. On a side note - this might also have something to do with the fact that they are only 15 months apart. By the time baby number three came along I began to realize that the lack of personal time had taken it's toll. I began to find it neccesary, but ever so difficult to get that elusive time to myself. I think I even blogged about it here about two years ago. Now that I am on baby number four I have begun to surrender to the urge to "self-preserve". I fit it in however I can throughout the day. I just do it!

I have some tricks for doing this. First, a little background that goes above and beyond the kid problem. I have a complex that causes me to feel guilty doing anything fun or relaxing while my house is messy. Now for the trick... don't laugh when I tell you... ready.... I set my timer and clean for a set amount of time, followed by a set period of doing what I want. This usually means computer time. Let's use today as an example. I dropped #1 off at school and when I came home I set the timer for 30 minutes and cleaned. Then I came into my room and spent some time downloading pictures and working on some projects while I nursed #4. Next, I set the timer again for 30 minutes of cleaning. Then I came back to the computer to write this blog while #2 and #3 watched a DVD. Now #4 is napping, I feel refreshed after a little self-expression, and as soon as I publish this post I will go back for round three of cleaning. You get the idea.

The trick to this trick is full acceptance of the fact that bad things may happen during the "alone time" sections of the day. For example while #2 and #3 were watching a DVD and I was blogging, #2 filled up a container with water and dumped it all over the floor and his brother. But that's OK. It was worth it. I have developed a seventh sense (in addition to the sixth and well known "mother" sense). This lesser known seventh sense allows me to hear activities in the next room and quickly assess whether my alone time is worth the mess, or if I should cut myself short and take immediate action. After much experience and fine tuning this sense almost always serves me well. I will give another example from today. While I was working on this post I heard the afore mentioned water spill and ignored it. On the other hand I heard #2 open the pantry and opted to leave my writing to intervene. It's all about your preferred mess. A little spilled water can wait. A pantry being raided can't. Choose your battles as they say!

My second trick is to take my meals alone. We eat dinner together as a family. However, for the other two meals I prefer to dine by myself. Lunch is especially sacred to me. I feed the kids, then put #3 (and hopefully #4) down for a nap. After they are down, and the others are fed and distracted, I make my lunch and I eat it in private. This way I get to eat at least one meal without people asking questions, begging for a bite, or climbing all over me. (Also known as eating in PEACE.) That's it. Even though it's usually only 10-15 minutes it's a great way to recharge during the day.

I just discovered this third trick. I'm sure some of you already take advantage of this. I must be a little slow because I just figured it out after I having #4. The trick= Husband does the grocery shopping. Nothing gets me more worked up than grocery shopping with all my kids. It's Horrible with a capitol 'H'! Plus, I usually do my shopping in the morning and it sets a bad tone for the rest of the day. Some may ask, why not just wait until husband is home and then go by yourself? The answer is simple... all the grocery shopping with kids I've done has ruined it for me. I dread doing it, even when I'm alone. Another reason is that by the time he's home I am usually to tired and lazy to go. On the weeks he work nights and I could go earlier I don't want to because I am hanging out with him. So my new discovery is to wait until he has a day off and then send him. Keep in mind that a detailed list is a must. A review of the list with me before he leaves is also required. You can never be too sure:) On extra special days I can even get him to take a kid along. This is nice but completely uneccessary. Like I said before, choose your battles. So far he hasn't seemed to mind this new chore. I like to think it's because he recognizes the value of me being less irritable. I almost forgot some of the other bonuses of this system. First, if you're like me, no more guilt for spending so much money on groceries. He doesn't mind spending money on food at all:) Second, He almost always brings home treats and things that I would never buy. Everyone wins here. Grocery Shopping - It's my new favorite thing to do.. or not do.

Fourth, don't beat yourself up. This may seem like common sense, but let's be honest. We all do it! I used to spend a lot of time being hard on myself for my imperfections. I'm not perfect. No one is. Surrendering to the guilt is not the answer. Spending time beating myself up just ruins my attitude. I mess up all the time. In spite of the fact that I spend all day cleaning my house is rarely clean to my satisfaction. In spite of the fact that I'd like to cook delicious healthy meals every night I don't. In spite of the fact that I love my kids I sometimes yell at them when I get mad. In spite of the fact that I dream of having a perfect family with a life that's all rosy sunshine and good times it isn't going to happen. All I can do is let go of that and do the best I can do that day at that time. I like to remind myself that I have a loving and forgiving family. My dad always told me to have the courage to admit my mistakes. Once again his advice is great! The minute that admit I messed up and resolve to do better I feel good again. Feeling upset at myself so easily turns into anger and resentment aimed at those around me. It is nearly impossible to be a happy and productive person under these conditions. My most important trick is to make a conscious effort to let go. If I let my frustration get the better of me I apologize and try to do better next time. It really works. Admitting my mistakes, even if it's to a five year old, is healing for both parties. When it comes to my husband and kids I'm all about moving forward. Who cares what happened yesterday today is today. Better yet, and more practical for me - who cares what happened a minute ago, this is a new minute:)

I may complain about the craziness of this life I lead, but the truth is that I thrive on a little bit of chaos. Those little babies of mine keep me on my toes and I love it. Even though I've been focusing on the negative aspects of family life there are many and more good times. I'm making it a point to enjoy!

Update

The one month mark is looming over me. My sweet little baby is 3 weeks and 5 days old today. Time is working against me and my plan to enjoy this brand new little girl. If only the newborn days would pass as slowly as the pregnancy I'd be in heaven.

Now that home life is officially almost under control (almost is about as much as I can ask for these days:) I am beginning to write my birth story. This birth was such a different experience. I am so happy that I chose to give birth at home. I wish that I could go back and do it with my other three babies. I will post about it here when I'm done organizing my thoughts. Look out because I am now officially a birth junkie!

My oldest baby started kindergarten. That has been a little bittersweet. I can't help but feel that I'm turning over her upbringing to someone else. I know "home is where the heart is" but there is so much out there in the world I'm not ready for her to learn. I hope I did enough to prepare her for the real world. (That's what they're calling kindergarten now-a-days:)

I am looking forward to being able to write more here in the future. I went through a kind of writer's block the last couple of months. But recently I am bursting with ideas. I blame it on the sleepless nights! My head is finally clearing so look out. A bonus of breast feeding is that it's a great excuse to be on the computer:)



PHOTO: Baby after her first trip to the pool 8/8/09

I think I need a warning sign.

I am 36 weeks pregnant,
and 4 weeks from my due date.

I am very uncomfortable,
and there is nothing I can do about it.

I am extremely irritable,
and even though I know it - I still can't be nice.

I am emotional,
and that is an understatement.

I am exhausted,
and it isn't going to get better.

I am nesting like a crazy woman,
and driving my family crazy trying to keep the house clean.

I am not being a very fun mom right now,
and my kids are bored out of their minds.

I am not being very nice to my husband,
and he is still being nice to me.

I am excited to give birth naturally,
and I am scared about it too.

I am getting a little worried,
and it is because this baby still doesn't have a name.

I am kind of a mess,
and it will get better:)

I REALLY needed to hear this.

"This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and non-existent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now."
-Thomas S. Monson

"There's no place like home"

For the first time in my entire life I am starting to understand the desire to "put down roots". I have always been restless so this is a new feeling for me. As a child I begged my parents to move out of state. I didn't understand why they were unwilling to pick up and move across the country at my whim. I hated the heat and grew up longing for a place where snow was a common sight. I couldn't wait to grow up and move anywhere but boring old Arizona . I spent my last year of high school waiting for my chance to move away from home. I was desperate to get out on my own.

I graduated with big plans, but before I knew it I had fallen in love and was planning a wedding. I got married at the tender age of 18 and only then did I move away from my parents house. Nick and I spent that first year of marriage discussing and researching places we would want to live. I was dying to experience something new. Nick wasn't exactly opposed to this, but it wasn't a priority. He had just spent two years in Brazil and was a little "adventured" out:) I understood where he was coming from, but my yearning for change was still strong. In my mind only a move could bring me relief.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not completely disloyal to my home town. In fact, the older I've gotten the more I appreciate what a great place it was to grow up. Now I can recognize the features that make it unique and desirable. I feel a sense of home and comfort when I visit that I don't think will ever go away. Even though we've lived away for almost six years now we still say we're "going home" when we plan a visit.

Soon Nick was applying to schools and I was so excited at the possibility of moving far, far away. The ironic thing is that I grew up with a mother who would barely grocery shop by herself and here I was wanting to move to another state and be all alone. Maybe it was just my rebellious nature coming out once again:) Nick was accepted to school and we moved, but it wasn't where I had in mind and it definitely wasn't far away. We were a mere two hours from home. I have to admit that I was discouraged. Somehow I still felt there was something out there waiting for me... some new experience I couldn't get in my home state. In hindsight I can see that there were reasons we needed to remain close, and two hours has turned out to be the perfect distance for us.

I spent the next five years waiting it out in anticipation of where we would end up after school. I was slightly disappointed but not surprised when Nick talked me into sticking around southern Arizona for another three years after graduation. We would be moving about 25 miles away but in the wrong direction:) What's another three years, when I've already been waiting my whole life, I told myself. Besides, sometimes a career opportunity arises that is too good to pass up, even if it's not in the most desirable place:)

So last summer we packed up and headed south. After much searching Nick talked me into buying what we affectionately call the "dream house". Since the first day I walked into it I felt at home and I could picture us raising our little family here. This move felt different. This little town feels good. It feels right. It feels like home. I guess all this time I just needed to find a place that fit right. I'm still kind of surprised that I like it so much, but there's no denying it.



Since coming here I have begun to have a desire to put down those "roots" everyone's always talking about. I wish I had lived here long enough to have established relationships, to know the schools, my neighbors, and the leaders of the community. I crave that safety net of people that is gained from sticking around one place for a long time. The best part of being here is that I actually want all that, and barring some grand career opportunity elsewhere, I can have it. Who knows- maybe there is still some big adventure out there waiting for me, but I'm starting to feel a little like I could take it or leave it. I probably wouldn't turn it down, but if it never comes that's OK. I'm already home!

Have YOU made your peace?

As the famous writer and poet Henry David Thoreau lay dying a friend asked if he had made his peace with God.



He replied, "I was not aware we had ever quarreled!"

TV always comes back to bite!

After almost five years of being a mother I have learned some lessons about the television. A little TV can be a good thing. I can actually get something done when my youngest is napping (he doesn't really care for watching yet) and the older two are watching a movie. BUT... I have also learned that a lot of TV is a very horrible thing in our house.

Lately, I haven't been letting the kids watch TV or movies because they behave a lot better when they abstain. They are more obedient, more willing to work, and they fight less. Today I let them watch a movie, the same movie over, and over, and over, that is. The good new - I did get a lot of "stuff" done. The bad news - the meltdowns started around 1 PM. I also noticed around this time that all the chores they had done in order to be able to watch the movie were undone. I see my mistake. It was letting them watch the movie a third time. I should have cut them off at two:) Now I'm off to do damage control!

The day in review

Today has been a VERY long day. The worst part is knowing that it's only 5:30 PM. I still have to feed, bathe, dress, and put the kids to bed, and then clean the kitchen. I take that back the worst part is that in the course of this LONG day I have gotten absolutely nothing done. AAhhhh! As I well know the less I get done during the day the longer it takes for it to end. I guess the logical thing now would be to ask myself why in the world I am sitting here on the computer at a time like this. That's a great question. Point taken! I am off to begin the nightly ritual.

Back in the saddle

Well I can't say that I have done well with my goal of writing more. I have actually written less than ever since posting that I wanted to write more. Shame on me! Processing my feelings in writing is essential. It always has been, probably always will be. I feel like I've been losing my touch with the written world lately. If you read my family blog you know I am pregnant with #4. Now the first few months of pregnancy are worse for some than others, but let's be honest they're not terribly fun for anyone. This pregnancy has been somehow different than my others . It has thrown me off. It hasn't been the nausea (worst since #1), weight gain, hormonal outbreaks or emotional outbursts:) I wish I could blame it on those lovelies. It was more mental this time. The first couple months were just mentally overwhelming. Does that even make sense? I feel like I am over that now but it's amazing how long it can take to get life back in order. I kind of let cleaning and cooking and disciplining the kids go for a couple of months. Sad, I know. It is taken me another couple of months to get back into routine. I am pleased to say that we are well on the way though. I am confident that life will be flowing nicely just in time for this baby to be born and throw everything off again:) BUt the good news is that I have a new appreciation for "feeling like myself". What a relief it is too!

Commentary

WHY I LOVE FOOTBALL

Point #1 - I don't really love football.
Point #2 - I just watched the super bowl. (Yes the entire thing!!!)
Point #3 - It was a pretty good game... and that's saying something coming from me because I don't like football:)
Point #4 - The Main Point - Since the Super Bowl just occurred and football is on the mind of many there are more than a few conversations floating around the media about favorite plays, moments, and so on. So without further ado I would like to share my favorite football moment.

One day the dear love of my life was watching football. To me this is just background noise. I was paying absolutely no attention until the following phrase caught my ear. "Now let's talk about the 'non-quitage' of this guy here." Did I hear that right I thought to myself. It can't be. That man did not just say "non-quitage". So I asked Nick to confirm, which he did. The announcers, in speaking of a player who refused to "quit" playing in a seemingly hopeless situation, had just created a new word.

FORMAL DEFINITION
non-quitage - The act of NOT quitting. (Not to be confused with non-quidditch - NOT playing the game involving broomsticks and a snitch in the Harry Potter series.)

Needless to say, I got a huge laugh out of this. So I've been thinking of ways that I can incorporate non-quitage into my own life and vocabulary and the possibilities are very promising. I'll keep you posted.

Love & Logic

"Regardless of all our technological advances, parents will always be the most important source of information and values for their growing children."

Stop and Write

I think I need to adopt this as my personal motto. I can't tell you how many ideas fly through my head every day. These thoughts come mostly in the midst of vacuuming, laundry doing, errand running, diaper changing, and a lot of times laying in bed at night. The best ones come at night after everyone is asleep and I am finally alone in my own head:) Sometimes they're of a deeper nature and sometimes they're personal goals. Sometimes they're just realizations about myself and the world around me. Often they're reflections on the little things that make me tick or even hold me back.

The best part about these little revelations is when I actually take the time to jot them down. I always feel so peaceful after I've evaluated myself in print. There are some thoughts that are fleeting but there are others that cause me an almost irresistible urge to stop and record them. I say almost because I tend to resist this urge when I am say driving or scrubbing a toilet, you know things that aren't the best to just stop in the middle of. And you know what? I always, always, ALWAYS regret it later. I tell myself that it's ok not to stop because I will remember it later when the kids are in bed, or dinner is made, or I am not so tired. The thing is I rarely remember. I remember that I had a really great thought. I remember where I was and what I was doing when it came to me, but that's not the important part now is it?

So I've been thinking (mainly since this blog has been so boring and uninspired lately:) that maybe, just maybe I need to STOP... and write when my mind tells me to. I'm making it a new goal of mine to give myself a moment to process and record these small personal inspirations... within reason that is!

Boys and their bikes

Nick is at the dunes this weekend with his brother and some friends. I hate to see him walk out the door knowing that he will be gone for 2-3 days. But I am glad he's off to have a little fun. He deserves it:)


I do worry a little when he does stuff like this because of the whole "safety" factor of this activity. I know he will be careful though. He's smart and responsible and he knows better than to do anything crazy. He sure looks hot doing it too if that counts for anything:) I hope he's having fun right now, but I'm getting excited for him to come home tomorrow morning!

Remember to enjoy

The daily stuff sometimes makes me lose perspective.




But then I remember to enjoy...











this baby's little arms wrapped tightly around my neck when I ask him to give me a "squeeze".





I remember to stop and listen...











as this sweet girl tells me all the things she can use her imagination for.










I remember to savor the sound...











of this tender-hearted guy when he says "I love you mom" at the perfect moment.





Then my heart breaks that I ever forgot. But I was reminded today so that's all that matters.

One of those sweet moments

Today was a day I appreciated as a mother. I appreciated the fact that my kids are so close in age. I appreciated that their closeness in age at times becomes closeness in play. There are lots of days when I have had it up to here with all the fighting that goes on between these kids. There is yelling and arguing and bossing around that goes on. Sometimes there is even hitting and kicking and tackling! My little guy is now old enough to get in on the action too. Some days they drive me crazy with their fighting.

But there are also days when they don't fight as much. There are days like today when they play quietly for hours. On days like today they close their bedroom door and I hear the sounds of friendship, cooperation, and their sweet uncontrollable giggles. They are "imagining" they tell me when I open the door to check on them. The older two even work to entertain the baby so he won't desert their game. My heart is full when I see them enjoying each others company. I am reassured that even though there is often conflict between them deep down they really are best friends. Their happiness is contagious and I walk away from them feeling a little lighter. Oh and there is one more benefit. I can peacefully take five for myself... which I definitely did:)

My nEw HoME... ALmoSt

WeLCoMe To mY soOn To bE hOMe SwEEt HoMe
























tHe vIEw

This had to have been written about us.

PUSH

Every time I look at you the world just melts away
All my troubles all my fears dissolve in your affections
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land

You stay the course you hold the line you keep it all together
You're the one true thing I know I can believe in
You're all the things that I desire you save me you complete me
You're the one true thing I know I can believe

I get mad so easy but you give me room to breathe
No matter what I say or do cause you're too good to fight about it
Even when I have to push just to see how far you'll go
You wont stoop down to battle but you never turn to go

There are times I cant decide when I can't tell up from down
You make me feel less crazy when otherwise I'd drown
But you pick me up & brush me off and tell me I'm OK
sometimes that's just what we need to get us through the day


WOW I sat down to write tonight and this is totally not the direction I though it was going to go, but... I heard this song and it always gets me:)

My love has been on my mind lately (as he usually is on the weeks he works nights). It seems I always debate with myself about waiting up for him. One one hand, I am going to hate myself when the kiddos get up at the crack of dawn and I, unlike them, didn't go to bed at 7:30 PM. However, on the other hand, I want to see him before I go to bed.

Too cheesy for ya?
Too bad!

Every time I hear this song it reminds me of how I wouldn't be who I am today without his influence. There are so many things about myself that I never would have figured out with anybody else by my side.

Everyone wants to be with someone who lifts them up and brings out the good in them. I know those phrases are cliche, but you know it's true! We all want that person that really makes us stretch to become better and greater. I don't necessarily mean someone who praises us and makes us "feel" good, but instead, someone who "pushes" us until we BECOME good.

Until we become unblemished, undamaged, unhurt... WHOLE.


Thanks to him I'm on my way.

I think I'll be waiting up tonight.

Chaos Reigns

So my life is crazy right now. Schedules have been thrown out the window, healthy eating has ben forgotten, children are wandering aimlessly consuming what they will and watching copious amounts of television...AAAHHH! All this is brought on by a little thing called moving. We moved this weekend, actually we've been, very slowly and painfully and at times in the pouring rain, moving for the last week. Now that everything is moved to our new place chaos has ensued. I am out of town as we speak while the boxes sit gathering dust and my poor love tries to clean the old house in between shifts at work.

This explains my absence from the blogging world. While I am sure it hasn't put a wrinkle in your days... it has in mine. I like blogging - here and on my family blog. I miss it. Oh how I miss the days when everything was under control and I could sit guiltlessly pouring my thoughts into cyber space. I am afraid that I may be saying goodbye to August before I can justify the expenditure of time and energy here. Oh well life calls and I answer. It's funny how it takes so much time and effort to get my life in order and so little time to disorder it:)

That Special Someone

Does anyone else have a person, or people, in their lives that make them feel like this?

Well I sure do... and they're driving me crazy lately!

“Only you know your circumstances, your energy level, the needs or your children, and the emotional demands of your other obligations. Be wise during intensive seasons of your life. Cherish your agency, and don’t give it away casually. Don’t compare yourself to others—nearly always this will make you despondent. Don’t accept somebody else’s interpretation of how you should be spending your time. Practice saying, ‘I feel good about my decision to . . .’ and then fill in the blank with whatever you’ve decided.”
-Chieko Okazaki

One of those days

I am having one of those days. Not one of those days where the kids are driving me crazy and the house is a mess. One of those days where I just feel lonely and wish I had a good friend close by, and I ate a brownie for lunch, and now I have a headache from it, so I am force-napping my kids.

It seems all my "close" friends down here moved away. It's all superficial now! It's time to start over, but I am a little slow and complicated when it comes to making "real" friends.

Kyla, if you read this I wish you were still here and I could come over and eat a hundred "healthy" chocolate chip cookies while my kids trash your house:) I'll even let the baby crawl in the dirt.

I guess that's why I blog. In a way it's like having a friend I can talk to about anything. It's very said that my blog is my friend, but there it is.

I think I will go and clean now. Like I always say... If you don't have friends, at least have a clean house in case you meet some!

Funny Story

Ainsley is taking a dance class. Every week I sit outside the classroom and sort of listen as these two ladies talk. I'm guessing they are both around their late 30's. One has a little boy and the other has two little boys. They sit and talk business. It's not about their kids or any of that motherly stuff us softies discuss outside our toddlers parks & rec classes. It's serious. They talk about work and meetings and projects. It's actually interesting sometimes. Anyway, back to the point. I see them both look at me kind of weird every class. It's as if they really want to ask me something, but don't know me well enough. So one day I am in the restroom waiting for Ainsley to come out of the stall and one of these ladies brings her little boy in. We are both just standing there and suddenly she gets brave and makes her move.

Lady: "So are you their baby sitter or their sister, or...?" (She runs out of ideas here.)
Me: (with an amused smile) "They're mine."
Lady: "They're all yours... all three of those little ones... really."
Me: "Yep"

She gives me a look that rests somewhere in between shock, disapproval, and thinking I'm crazy. Then she must have realized how she looked to me and she got a huge fake grin and said...

"Well, wow. Congratulations on that! I mean, really... congratulations!"

Does anyone else find this funny? I mean when is the last time you congratulated someone on having a four year old, or a two year old... or even a ten month old for that matter. After that weird reaction I was tempted to let her know I was married, had been for 6 1/2 years, and that yes he was the father of all three. You never know where I live:)

I actually get this a lot. I can't tell you how many times the cashier at the grocery store has said "Ok I have to ask how old you are." or "Are you the mom?" It seems being a young mother makes for a good conversation with a stranger these days. The best part is that everyone's reaction is always to congratulate me. So I wonder when people see a woman with kids that looks, let's say 35, do they congratulate her on having a 4 year old? Maybe they do and I'm just ignorant. I find the whole thing pretty amusing.

I guess I can hope that in 20 years I still look too young to be their mother, but I doubt it!

Personal History Tuesday

This weeks installation is going to be short and sweet... and it will involve cows!


When I was a very young child, somewhere from 5- 7 years, I thought that my dad was the best at mooing. Yes, that's right, I mean mooing like a cow. At some point in some game or play time my dad had mooed like a cow and I was impressed. I thought he sounded exactly like a real true cow. I even remember telling my friends that my dad was so good at mooing that they should all hear it. Now of course I think this is quite funny. I told my dad this the other day and he said that he never knew I loved his moo.

Strange But True

This may not exactly be the epitome of "historical" but it is an anecdote that had to be recorded at some point:)


That will be it for the second edition of "Personal History Tuesday". Pleases tune in next week for more of my story.

Home Again

I just came home from the beach. There is something about the concept of the ocean that intrigues me. I sit on the sand and watch the waves that stretch out of sight and I am amazed to think of the sheer amount of the earth that they consume. I wonder about the purpose of this watery expanse. I go home and read about the tides and the science behind the seas. It gets pretty complex and I don't understand everything. There is something mysterious and risky about standing on the edge where the sky meets the water meets the land. I feel nervous but at the same time this scenery soothes my soul, and my belief in a greater power is confirmed. I feel small and powerless as I watch the surf surge around my ankles, but I also feel the presence of my creator. I am content and more than that, I am healed and my energy is renewed. As I drive away from the shore and back into the desert the feeling fades and I long for it as I always do when I leave its presence. Soon, however, I will acclimate to being back home and it will seem like I never left.

"Hananah Montananana"

Ainsley and I were driving in the car yesterday when we had this conversation.

Ainsley - "Mom, when I grow up I want to pick a different name."
Me - "You do huh? What would you like to change it to?"
Ainsley - "Anana Montananana."
Me - (After asking her to repeat herself about 5 times) "Are you saying Hannah Montana?"
Ainsley - "Yes, that girl. That is the girl that I mean, Hannah Montana. When I grow up I want to change my name to that and then I will go on the stage and talk."
Me - " Where did you hear about her?"
Ainsley - "I saw about her on the TV."

At first I was slightly amused by this little conversation. But the more I think about it the more it actually kind of bugs me. I try to limit my kids TV time. When they do watch I am pretty picky about it. I don't even like them to watch stuff like Sponge Bob. Don't get me wrong I have definitely enjoyed a good episode of the sponge in pants with my younger brother (who is a huge fan). The thing is, it's not meant for two and three year olds. It's funny and there's nothing bad in it, but it's for older kids. If they were say nine or ten I probably wouldn't mind. I feel the same way about the Hannah Montana thing.

The show, as well as the character (don't know anything about the real actress), is pretty wholesome from what I've seen. I, however do not want my three year old concerning herself with this stuff. At this point in her life I'd like it if she was more worried about what was going on in Mickey's Clubhouse or maybe on the Little Einstein's rocket:) I guess my point is that it scares me that I thought I was doing a good job of monitoring what she watches and it turns out that maybe I wasn't monitoring as closely as I thought I was. I don't want my kids to go through life being overly sheltered, but come on, they're still toddlers. I'm making it a point to be in control of pretty much everything they do and see at this point.

It really made me realize how challenging the balancing act is going to be as my kids get older. Let's face it, it's not always going to be such innocent stuff that they're exposed to. I just hope that we can keep an open dialogue about it. I definitely don't want them partaking in anything questionable as teenagers. On the other hand I don't want to be written off with an "our mom freaks out about everything". They're beyond listening to me by that point, or sharing what they're up to for that matter. Trust me I know:) I want to be open enough that they'll respect my opinion and feel comfortable talking to me about anything. So my big question is... how in the heck do I manage all that?

Wow, this parenting thing is ridiculously challenging!

Personal History Tuesday

Well I committed to write something about myself once a week so here we go. Where to begin... well how about the beginning.

I was born at 10:35 PM (give or take a minute) on October 7, 1983 at Utah Valley Hospital in Provo, Utah. My parents had been married for approximately one year and three months and my dad was attending his final year at BYU when I was born. Here is everything I know about the circumstances surrounding my birth. My due date was October 4th which, by the way, was a Wednesday. My mom started having some sort of labor like symptoms that morning. I wasn't born until Friday the 7th. It was long and painful and her doctor was out of town. After much work I entered the world. Even though they didn't really know, they had been sure I was going to be a girl and they were right. My Grandma Brown (maternal grandmother) came to see me and says that her first impression was that my dad had brought me back from Korea (where he served his mission) with him. This means that I had jet black hair, dark eyes, and was definitely not fair like the rest of the grandchildren on both sides.

My parents were extremely poor students when I was born. When I say poor, I mean poor. One favorite anecdote of my mom's is about how my dad actually calculated how much money it cost him per hour to run the light bulb on the porch of their apartment. Then he left it off to save money until she complained about being big and pregnant and trying to go up and down the stairs at night in the dark. On the same note I have also been told that my first bed was a diaper box on the floor that my dad had rigged up for me. That lasted until Grandma Homer (paternal grandmother) decided it was too cold for me to live on the floor in a box at my tender age and my parents borrowed a basinet from my aunt.

When I was nine months old my dad got a job in Arizona and we moved to Gilbert. I guess here I should note that my mom was born and raised in Arizona. My dad grew up in Sandy, Utah. My dad's parents still live in the same house that they lived in before he was born. I stayed in Gilbert then until five years ago when Nick and I moved to Tucson.

That will be it for the first edition of "Personal History Tuesday". Pleases tune in next week for more of my story.

History in the Making

I have decided that since I have nothing to do in my spare time I want to start writing some type of history about my life. I really want to do this for Nick too because I'm pretty sure he will never do it for himself. The trick is getting him to cooperate. I can just picture the look on his face now when I tell him "sit down honey I want to interview you about your life and write it down for you. So for now I'll start with a more willing subject.. me! Now this is a pretty boring subject to blog about I know, but for some reason I am going to do it anyway! So from now on I am aiming for a once-a-week post on the history of me. With all that said I need a break from writing. I'll be back next week:)

Mother Daughter Moment

Ainsley and I have a new diversion... watching cooking shows. I recorded one a couple of weeks ago and sat down to watch. She soon came and questioned me about what I was watching. I explained the concept of a "cooking show" and she eventually settled down next to me and we viewed together. It was a lovely bonding moment as she peppered me with entertaining questions and comments about the chef, ingredients, etc. It was pleasant to share this 30 minutes with her. We sit down to a cooking show at least once a day now. I find myself recording these shows with her in mind and looking forward to the time we will spend together watching. Our favorites shows so far are America's Test Kitchen and Simply Ming.

I love our new mother/daughter activity, and hopefully she will even pick up some cooking tips early on and turn out to be a better cook than her mama! I have to smile when I hear "I know Mom, maybe tomorrow we could make those chocolate cupcakes. Does that sound like a good idea mom, does it?" I cherish these small reminders of her sweet and genuine nature, especially on days when it hasn't been showing so much:).

So true, and so hard to live by

"It is not what we say or feel that makes us what we are. It is what we do, or fail to do."
-Marianne in 'Sense & Sensibility'

"There are things in life that are difficult to accept: That's where a testimony comes in."

When my cousin turned 16 a couple of years ago he asked everyone in our family to write down their testimony and send it to him instead of a gift. While I was doing some spring cleaning the other day I came across a copy of the letter that I sent him. I wish I could say that I regularly get up in sacrament meeting and share my testimony, but I really don't. As I was reading over the letter I was suddenly so glad that my cousin asked me to do this. Now I have my testimony in writing forever to share with my family. The past couple of weeks with Easter and other things that have been going on in my life I've felt the spirit often and my heart has been so full. I am so grateful for my husband and my children. I am grateful for extended family members that are loving and supportive. I am thankful for my home and the blessing that come with financial security. I am especially thankful for the gospel and the hope that it brings me. There have been many times in my life when I have sat despairing at how "unfair" life can be. At one point when life was seeming particularly unfair I heard a really great talk at a fireside that strengthened my testimony. I hadn't thought about this experience for a long time, but I had included it in the letter.

"One day I went to a fireside and the speaker was talking about testimonies. In his talk he said 'There are things in life that are difficult to accept: That's where a testimony comes in.' I cannot remember anything else in his talk. That thought struck me and I spent the rest of the evening replaying it in my mind. I finally understood. This was my answer."

After reading it again I felt the same feelings I did then of hope, and joy, and the knowledge that with the help of Heavenly Father, the savior, and the gospel all things are possible. My testimony may not be eloquent or sophisticated as so many testimonies are, but it is truly my life line.

"Get over it, or do something about it!"

This is my new mantra/New Year's resolution. I chant it over and over in my head all throughout the day. Ok not all day but certainly when things annoy, disappoint, infuriate, depress, or otherwise effect me in a negative way. I tend to be a complainer and I tend to be a pessimist. I think I got it from my Mom. Although, on a funny note, she called it being a realist:) Thanks Mom! (Man do I hate it when people blame their parents for their mistakes.)
Ok I'll be honest I can't blame anyone but myself for my attitude, but I had to at least try. Now back to the point...which is... I finally get it. I finally understand why there are so many little sayings about "making lemonade with lemons", "catching flies with honey", "girding up your loins", "putting your shoulder to the wheel", should I go on? It's pretty annoying to hear from your elders when you're growing up, but did they ever have a point.
I never, ever, as a life long hater of the phrase "get over it" and someone who loves wallowing in their sorrows, thought I would say this, but having a bad attitude accomplishes nothing. (There, I said it, and as I said it I paused to take a deep breathe and exhale slowly. I wish my dad were here now he would be so proud of me - for this moment was 24 years in the making!) It just makes you (and me) difficult to be around.
Now I am going to admit something embarrassing. I have in the past been the person who pushes everyone away with their whining, complaining, moaning, groaning, feeling sorry for myself, having my feelings hurt easily etc., and then wondered why I was so lonely. Oh, it looks even worse in writing than I thought. Well I can't sugar coat it. It is what it is, and I was what I was. I am now going to take solace in the fact that I am ever moving onward and upward away from the person that was all those things. I am a changed woman!
So from here on out on you can count on me. If something bothers me so much that I am becoming crazed I will do something about it instead of taking it out on those around me. If I am too lazy, scared, discouraged etc. to take action then I will simply get over it post haste. I love growing up, I love my life, I love my family, I love my new atittude, and I love my dad for drilling little sayings such as "Please - fill in the blank - and do it with a cheerful heart.".
So if you see me around town chanting under my breath you know what I'm doing! Stay out of my way until I "get over it":)


I do it for all my loves!

iphone

Nick is against cell phones and has refused to own one for the last five years. Nick took a job that requires over an hour commute each way, which he will be starting this summer. Jacie has a cell phone and is NOT opposed to them. Jacie told Nick that he'd better get used to the idea of getting a cell phone if he's going to be on the road all the time! Nick finally saw Jacie's point. Then he proceeded to purchase and iphone. Jacie was a little shocked (have you seen the price tag on those babies). Nick told Jacie that it was ok because this iphone would now be their "home phone" and she would love it. Jacie remained skeptical... until she played with it for awhile. Now she thinks it is just as cool as he does. In conclusion this thing is as cool as it looks, actually it's cooler.

The grass is always greener

I made up my mind a long time ago NOT to be one of those people who is perfectly content with their life - until they see what the next person has or does. I refuse to keep up with the Jones'. If I am happy when I am home alone with MY family and MY things then that shouldn't change when I see what other people's families or things are like. Every once in awhile I do see something someone else does or has that I wish I could incorprate into my family. In these cases I choose to be inspired rather than envious. So far it's working great. If I am unhappy before I leave the house in the morning... well that's another story altogether! (Stay tuned for an upcoming blog about my New Year's resolution.) My contentedness does not correspond to anything but my sense of self. If I am happy inside, really happy, and really in tune to what will keep me that way then I am set. That's all I need to know. As my dad has told me all my life... I can do anything I put my mind to, and I'm putting my mind to loving MY life!

On falling behind

A couple of weeks ago the leaves on the tree in my front yard changed color and fell. It's about time I thought, it's January!
This fall the leaves were behind schedule, and they got me thinking. I can relate to those leaves. I feel like I am always behind on my list of things to do. I almost always get "the list" done, but I'm usually behind schedule.
You know what? Even though the leaves were late we still went out and played in them. They were still fun, and they still looked pretty scattered across that green grass. Hearing them crunch under our feet was still so satisfying.
So I am turning over a new leaf (no pun intended). From now on when I sit at the end of another long day and look at my to-do list only halfway completed, I am not going to beat myself up. I am going to get up the next day and do the next item on the list. And when it's crossed off I will still find satisfaction in it's completion. Late or Not!

Focus?

There are days when I have a hard time finding balance. I love my kids and I want to give them my undivided attention. I want to play with them and I want them to know I am always there when they need me. There is also that whole thing about keeping the house in order, grocery shopping, preparing well balanced meals etc. I am actually getting tired just thinking about this. Is it this hard for everyone? I find it so challenging to balance household duties with "kid time". On top of that - I am just gonna come out and say it - I want time for myself! I need time to pursue my interests, time with Nick, and time to just... blog! You know what I mean, right? I want a day where I spend all day playing with the kids and don't feel guilty about letting the house go. Or how about a day in which I spend all day cleaning and I don't feel guilty that I didn't play with my kids at all.
I thought maybe venting about this would make me feel better. Then I thought of the following things. #1 I have an extremely supportive husband who does more than his share around the house (poopy diapers included) after working or going to school all day. #2 Some women do all this and have a full time job. Wow! I think I feel worse now. I am going back to bed... not really but if I could I would!




If you noticed my incomplete sentence... I did too!