Monday, January 18, 2010

Thumbelina


I love this little baby so much. As soon as she was born I started to feel sad that she was getting older. I wanted so badly to keep her a newborn forever. When she was three weeks old I was crying over how fast she was growing... literally crying! Maybe it's because after having my fourth child I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I can't keep having babies forever. I'm not done yet, but the day will come when I need to be. The day will come when I will know with finality that I will never hold my own brand new baby again. At times that thought has overwhelmed me. It has brought me many tears and much sorrow. In those first few weeks I felt like no matter how much time I spent holding her and taking her in I couldn't get enough. It just wasn't enough.

I promised myself then that I wouldn't take her baby-ness for granted. This might sound strange but I was so upset by the thought of her not being a newborn anymore that I began to pray about it. I prayed that I would feel joy instead of sadness at her milestones. I prayed that I could really truly enjoy every perfect inch of her and every little event in her new life. I prayed that I wouldn't feel anxiety and sadness over her growing up (her and all my kids). I prayed that I would remember to pay attention as she grew so that I wouldn't miss anything. I realized today that it worked. She is 6 months old this week and I am finding joy instead of sadness in that. I expected to feel down about it. But I don't, and I am so thankful that my prayers were answered.

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