February 10, 2006

The anniversary of my mom's death just passed. I usually just kind of avoid thinking about it when this day rolls around. I feel like I still haven't fully grieved her death. There was so much going on at that time and I truly felt I couldn't afford to break down. I told myself at the time that once the funeral was arranged and over and I had taken care of my dad (etc.) then I would really let myself feel everything.

I simply shut down.

By the time everything was said and done I think I had waited too long to really feel everything and process it normally. So my repressed grief shows up in spurts and starts here and there. I never know when or what will trigger it. It's as if I'm afraid that if I really let the flood gates open I will never be able to recover from it. That probably sounds really weird but it is what it is. I actually think this is the most I've written regarding my feelings about her death.

I miss my mom. It makes me sad that she doesn't know my kids. I try not to think about that because it really bothers me. I do believe I will see her again. That knowledge sustains me, but it doesn't stop me from feeling a little bit mad that I have to wait so long. I also miss just having a mom in general. A mom is someone who loves you no matter how you act or how much you complain. A mom takes care of you when you're a mom yourself and you don't feel like you can let yourself off the hook. A mom is someone you call for advice. A mom is there for you when you're sick, or hurting, or have something to celebrate. There are many other people in my life that can and do step in to fill-in in these situations. My dad has always been especially great about this. Including coming and taking care of me when I have a baby! (Yeah, he's pretty much awesome:) But it's still not the same as having her here.

I have a lot more feelings and thoughts about her, but it is all a little too complicated to face right now so I think I'll call this good.